


honesty is such a lonely word

by nbsherlock



Series: and so it goes, and so it goes, and you're the only one who knows [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Gen, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, IPRE Era, Panic Attacks, loose understanding of evocation spells, set somewhere after e61
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-28 01:31:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10820931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nbsherlock/pseuds/nbsherlock
Summary: she isn't supposed to do this.-lup & magnus chat about vulnerability and change.





	honesty is such a lonely word

**Author's Note:**

> okay so i guess i'm turning this into a series because i loooooove the dynamic. tw for character death (taako and lucretia) but they are both coming back and will probably also make an appearance in the next part of this. ummmmmm ahead of time. this series will probably contain lup/lucretia and magnus/taako so if either of those aren't your thing feel free to skip the parts that include those ships. lup/barry/lucretia might also make an appearance. anyway.
> 
> title from billy joel's honesty because i guess that's what i'm doing.

Lup’s head is spinning and she can’t make it stop.

First her brother, and now Lucretia and—for what reason? Why were they doing all of this? Her hands clench in her hair, her thoughts going faster than she can process them. What is the point of all this, anymore? They don’t even know if they’ll be able to get back to where they started. They don’t know anything and-

“Lup?”

Great. Lup feels her shoulders tense and lift, hands still twined into her hair. She closes her eyes and breathes through her nose, slowly. Tries to calm down the way her heart is racing but can’t. Her eyes water. She was never this _weak_ before. She was the one who kept them safe. The one who got in the way when someone was coming at Taako. She was supposed to protect him. Her body starts to curl in on itself.

“Hey, hey,” he says. She can feel his hand on her back before it makes contact. She casts Arcane Hand and pushes him back.

“Don’t touch me, alright?” She tries for anger but gets weepy instead.

Magnus stumbles and then puts his hands up. “Okay. No problems here.” He looks at his feet, then at the bar, then at Lup. “You wanna drink?”

Lup wants to take offense, she really does. Her chest feels too heavy. She shakes her head.

“Okay. Couch?”

She looks over to the couch where they sat the last time and feels shame rush through her. How can she keep letting this happen? She was supposed to protect him, she was-

“Okay. Couch,” Magnus decides. He sits down and pats the seat next to him. Lup trudges over and collapses into the couch. “So.” He stares at his hands. “I don’t want to pretend that I’m fine, because I’m definitely not.” He looks over at her, “But I want to help.”

And that’s just it. There’s nothing to help. She wants to yell at him and say that she can do it herself, but there’s nothing to do. She can’t do anything, he can’t do anything. “How,” she starts, her voice croaky. She clears her throat. “How do you think you’re going to _help_?” The word ‘help’ rolls off her tongue like a curse.

Magnus shrugs. “We could just talk, like last time.”

Last time. She shuts her eyes tight, feeling another influx of tears coming on.

“I don’t even have to say anything,” he says. “I can just listen.”

Her throat feels like it’s closing up. Her body isn’t supposed to do this, to be honest, to be open about how she’s feeling. She can defend a million worlds until she turns blue, but this isn’t about civilizations surviving. This is about her. This is about her feelings. She isn’t supposed to do this.

“I can’t.”

Magnus looks at her; waits.

There’s a long moment of silence that pushes and nags at Lup until she breaks.

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to… deal with this. Everyone else seems so fine and I _know_ they’re coming back, but I saw it happen. I saw him die and I saw her die and it hurt so bad, I knew I could’ve done more. I could’ve stopped it from happening,” her voice speeds up until she feels faint.

Magnus stares at her.

“You can _talk_ ,” she groans.

“Maybe everyone else is just coping differently from you,” Magnus suggests. “Or maybe they’re coping the exact same way and you just don’t see it.”

Lup tries to imagine Captain Davenport, Barry, Merle, crying alone in their rooms. “I doubt it.”

Magnus looks around the room, as if searching for the right words to say. “Is it always like this? Or is this time particularly bad?”

Lup flushes. “I don’t want to talk about this with you.”

“Is it Lucretia?”

Lup glares at him. “Do you _never_ listen?”

Magnus shrugs, “Pot, kettle.”

Lup huffs. “Fine, okay. We’ve gotten really close, y’know? I mean, she’s a huge nerd but I-“ She feels walls going up. She closes her eyes. “I really like her. I think she’s the only sane person on this ship.”

Magnus hums. “Maybe you should tell her that when she comes back.”

“That sounds like a fucking _awful_ idea, and I’m never going to listen to your advice.”

Magnus chuckles. “I dunno, maybe a little love is what we need to get home.”

“A ship run on love,” Lup restates, dryly. She looks down at her legs and scrunches up her eyebrows. “Do I seem different to you?”

Magnus looks at her, “Different how?”

Weaker, she wants to say. “I don’t know, just different?”

Magnus shrugs, “I don’t know about different. Maybe I’m just getting to know you.”

Lup rolls her eyes. “There’s not a lot to know.”

“Sure there is, I learn more about you every day.”

The room seems to fill with doubt again. With fear.

“Um, big guy. Bubbeleh,” she starts. Magnus looks at her. “I know I said no touching but…” She grips her hair. “I really need a hug.”

Magnus seems to light up at the idea. “Really?”

“Yeah, yeah, just,” she sighs, “Don’t make a big deal out of it.”

Then suddenly there are two huge arms around her, scooping her in and holding her tight.

She tenses, her body not used to this kind of physical affection from anyone who isn’t Taako. But with every breath, her body relaxes more and more. She leans her head on his shoulder. “I’m tired,” she says.

“I know. Me too.”

He holds her for a good while, the mutual trust between them radiating in waves. She feels her eyes begin to close. “I might fall asleep,” she says.

“That’s okay.”

Her breathing slows down.

She dreams of a world, somewhere far off. There’s her brother, there’s Magnus, there’s Lucretia. They all look different, older, worn. They’re smiling, but it’s tinged with fear, with guilt and shame. She wants to get there, to somewhere she doesn’t have to be weak. She can save them. She can.

 

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are my fight milk. hmu @margaritaville on tumblr.


End file.
